I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
