our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize