dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
