Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
