nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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