The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
