I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
