if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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