JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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