How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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