Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
you never un-have a 4some
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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