I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
