Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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