never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
