he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
