I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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