I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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