saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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