careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
