Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
