First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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