Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize