So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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