Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
