i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
