Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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