went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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