So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
