ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize