This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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