I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
