Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
