you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
