the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
