im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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