If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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