I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
