i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
