I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
