I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So squirting runs in the family.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
