Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
