i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just had sex on a roof
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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