I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
