Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
