how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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