I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize