she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
