so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
