new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
