I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
