Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
