You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
