He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
