Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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