I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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