Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Randomize
