I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
