I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
