mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
